Missing him.  He has gone underground again.  One week and here I am - sitting - devasted and heartbroken.  Feeling cheap and used.  Wanting him.  Wanting him to want me in the same way.  Knowing he can't.  No matter how much time and space I give him.  Wanting to stop wanting him.  Needing to stop wanting him.  Begging him to stop teasing me.  Don't write.  Don't call.  Don't text.  But he thinks he wants me.  He's so messed up right now that he doesn't know the difference.  Still - I do not walk away.  Still - I allow him to use me.  I say nothing.  I hold my tears until he turns his head.  Taking what he can give me because it is so much better than anything else I could imagine.  Afraid that no one will ever look at me like he does.  Afraid that no one else will "get it" the way he does.  Bleh - can't think about it anymore tonight.  Jewel says it's gonna be alright.  So be it!

Good Day

(Jewel)

I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be alright, cause I'm alright with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mind's racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, Just Way Hotter.

The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
God, but still we laugh

Get back in bed, turn off the TV
You say "It'll be alright baby, just wait and see."

It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay
It's gonna be all right, just wait and see
Its gonna be all right, no matter what they say
Its gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be okay...
Uh oh, I'm awake again
It's one A.M.
Staring
Such a sight
Well, at least the stars are bright

Meltdown Day.  My mind is absolutely full this morning.  I have 3 big stresses in my life and today they are fighting fiercely in my brain for attention.  It's the holy trinity of stress:  Money, Love, and Career.  All of those aspects of my life are in complete chaos all at once...at least I am pretty healthy...knock on wood! 

Let's talk about love for a second or two.  I'm not going to get into all the messed up complications of my current affair.  I'll just say that this is my first real love.  I have made some bad decisions in the name of it and everyday I know that I should walk away - but I am a sucker for his beautiful blue eyes, crooked smile, and slow southern drawl.  I hear that voice and the nothing else matters.  Please don't misunderstand, this infuriates me.  I am a smart, strong, independent woman.  I think the real problem with my personality in this case is my stubborn nature.  I am determined to make this work.  Why?!?!  Because I am stubborn.  I have laid it out on paper, on the internet, to my friends.  I know that I need to walk away right now.  I needed to walk away months and months ago, however, I haven't and I can't see it happening anytime soon.  I've somehow gotten it in my head that I can do this. 

The reason this is really bothering me today is because I now believe an additional complication has arisen.  I think he is and has been suffering from bipolar disorder.  Deep down, I think I knew this from the start, but it really became too obvious to ignore this last month.  This new development scares me to death!  I don't think I can do it again.  I don't think I can be so intimately involved with this disorder ever again.  It's too hard.  Because it is a chemical/chemistry problem, the medication never works for very long.  It needs constant monitoring and by the time you realize the person is having an episode (be it depressive or manic) they are already in it full swing.  The mood progression is so subtle that to try and catch it before it happens takes the energy of a nuclear power plant.  

It's not just the severe mood extremes, the behavior that can erupt during a manic episode is scary.  To watch someone you love do things - destructive things - and not be able to control it is the most painful experience ever.  I watched as she destroyed relationship after relationship.  I saw the men in her life completely unable to deal with the disease.  As sad as it was, I completely understood why they couldn't deal with it.  It's hard to learn that during a manic episode your girlfriend kissed another guy or worse, slept with someone else.  It takes a special kind of person to be able to be rational and cool headed and calm and be able to understand that it was an episode and it had nothing to do with him.  I won't be able to seperate it. When it happens.  When he hurts me during a manic episode.  It will destroy me.  It took years of counseling and support groups to deal with my best friend's disorder.  Do I really want to go back to that - and not just with a best friend....??

Ok...wow.  This is a much longer post than I anticipated - hahaha.  Guess I have a lot to say today.  For those of you who have made it this far, I promise to keep the career portion of my purge short and I may skip the money problems altogether.  Who doesn't have money problems!! 

On Monday morning I start a job that is so much more than just a job.  It is me walking through the door to the career I have wanted since I was 14 years old.  It took me 3 years to open the door wide enough to wedge my foot in the door and another 2 years to force it open all the way.  I have sacrificed a lot for this and as excited as I am, I don't like change - so I am absolutely terrified.  TERRIFIED!  I can't shake the feeling that something is going to happen and I will screw up the opportunity.  I am waking up in the middle of the night and my first thought is they are going to fire me.  It's completely irrational but I can't make it stop and it is unbelievably unsettling. 

I am feeling a little overwhelmed and indulging in a quick fantasy of being rescued from it all.  So...drumroll please....

Save Me

(Aimee Mann)

You look like... a perfect fit,
For a girl in need... of a tourniquet.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

'Cause I can tell... you know what it's like.
A long farewell... of the hunger strike.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

It struck me down, a Greyhound,
Like Peter Pan, or Superman,
You have come... to save me.
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
But the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

Come on and save me...
Why don't you save me?
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who could never love anyone

*****Note:  Magnolia is my #1 favorite movie. No other movie even comes close.